Turning 25

There's such a deep satisfaction and rush of peace whenever I see the tarmac disappear from inside the window of an airplane. The turbulence, the pot holes, and the shifting of body weight-- white noise that comes with traveling has always given me a sense of clarity and peace of mind. 

I confess. Turning 25 for me was neither exciting or underwhelming. It was, to say the least, a sobering realization that I've made excuses out of my circumstances and lack of privilege. 

No birthday cake or candles, no presents, no happy birthday from the parents overseas. I guess as I write this, I reflect and recollect what hopes I may have had about turning 25 a few years ago. "Where will I be? Who will I be? Who will I love? What will I do?" 

Needless to say, I hate to be one that overdramatizes aging and growing older. I think I recognize more than most people my age, that I have a lifetime of experiences still ahead of me, but I can't help to feel so dissatisfied.

.....

I never realized that chasing your dreams was so fucking lonely.

And I never realized how much faith and hope becomes so much harder as you grow older, coming to grips with the fact that some things are completely out of your control. 

I never realized how strong I was as a child and a boy, and how frail and addictive I became as a man. When did letting go become so hard, and when did apathy become so easy? 

I had the blessing of ushering in my 25th birthday with my best friends of 10+ years, since jr. high and high school. And as I sat in the backseat driving home, after a long night of peer pressure and obligatory birthday shots, I fought for a moment of sobriety. And like every year on my birthday, I thought of a question or something to say to God. 

I guess what I want to share is... Now that I'm older, I don't think that there's anything more that I want than to hear that my parents are proud of me. Never take the support of your parents or family for granted. Never discount privilege and never undermine it because it's so much easier to succeed when you start at a higher place. But above all, never make excuses out of your circumstances, because whatever cards the universe may have dealt you, God intends for you to win regardless. 

I just want to be proud of myself now. Work hard, travel a lot, explore as much of my humanity as possible, and find God within all of it. And despite my brokenness and my broke-ness, these past few months I've been wrestling and digging really deep, and I think I finally found it:

Contentment.

But contentment can't be an excuse to stagnate.

Let's go.